The Fruit of Silence is Prayer

My first experience of consecrated silence on this trip was in Denver when the service team went on retreat at Jesus Our Hope, a cabin in the mountains owed by the community. We ate our meals in silence, and would serve one another the dishes and drinks. I was eating contentedly when I noticed my friend across the table grinning at me. Tyler caught my attention, then, still grinning, bugged his eyes out as he moved the down towards the table. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to communicate, and since Tyler is a goofy guy, I figured he was just making awkward eye contact to make me laugh when I was supposed to be quiet.

However, a few minutes later, as I took a sip off my water, Meghan, who was sitting beside me, also gave me a strange look. I glanced at my water glass. Oh! There were flakes in it. I nothing of it, since Meghan had mentioned that she had pumped it out of a well. Minerals, right? Then Kenny started snickering, and Meghan too. I looked at my glass again…and saw a potato from the potato salad resting peaceful at the bottom, the particles of its soft, starchy mass floating like benign bubbles and the mayonnaise sauce coloring the water a faint white hue. Contrary to what Meghan thought, I was not drinking the water as a penance, and got up to fetch a new glass, causing a wave of laughter at a table that was that was supposed to be silent.

Two days ago, group A spent a day in silence again, and luckily, we left catastrophes like the Potato Incident behind. Jacques Philippe, a priest of the community who is well- known for his books and retreats, gave us two talks on the obstacles and steps to discernment. He talked about how fears, wounds, outside influences, and misconceived notions of vocations can hinder us. First we need to become aware of these. Then, the goal is not to be perfect before making steps toward a vocation, but rather to pray through these obstacles until they are no longer great influences over our decisions.

In the silence and lack of required chores, I felt so peaceful and content in the Lord. Most people can recognize the need to ride oneself of distractions such as Facebook, Netflix, music, or video games,. But what about even conversations, something that is usually so good and fruitful? In the space usually up by words, the Lord is able to speak to our hearts in the language of prayer. I remembered what good company He is, and even found myself dreading the end of the day, when we would talk again. In these moments I would refocus my mind on the Lord, knowing that time was not about tomorrow, but about Him and me, here, now.

In this silence I was overwhelmed by the superabundance of the Lord’s generosity. Look how the sun was playing through the trees, the grass reaching up to praise Him, all the creatures in the earth moving and humming to a heavenly melody, the creek singing, the birds laughing, and His love drowning us all. Then clouds would come cover the world like a blanket, and rain would fall, reminding me of His mercy that knows no limits, that comes down like an undeserved kiss on the forehead of a child who’s just committed a grave disobedience against her parents.

I went back to the chapel, where the Blessed Sacrament was exposed. Our God and king who condoned to become a lowly piece of bread just to be intimate with us. Jesus, I want to give You everything…can the offering of my life repay in any way the incredible gifts you’ve given me? What can I do…You’ve given me everything…

Do you love me?

Yes, Jesus!

Do you trust me?

Yes.

That is all I ask of you. That is your vocation.

Well, if that is all He wants…I stayed in His Presence, just basking in the Love that passed between us. Marinating in it. “Behold the One beholding you and smiling…”

The chaplain at my university once preached on trust in God. We always want to know steps A, B, and C, but God gives us part of A and asks us to walk towards Him. Could we trust Him enough even to run? To run to the voice of our Shepherd, the one who calls us in the silence, in the still, small voice; to believe Him when He says He has a plan for our good and not for woe; to die to our need for control over our lives. Will we do it? Do we love Him? Do we trust Him?

I lean not on my own understanding; my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all to you, God, trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.